This summer has been a true awakening for me. I finally realised that I don’t have to do it all. I realised that it’s okay for me to take it slow and just stick to one thing. I don’t have to do everything I want to do all at once. There is no rush. Life shouldn’t be a rush. I now understand that just because I’m not doing something I want to do YET, that doesn’t make me a failure.
Years of being a workaholic, a hunger to succeed, driven by my eating disorder made me obsessive and even more depressed than I already was. Why? Because I was trying to do it all…at once!
Working at my previous job had a huge impact on my mental health. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adored working there, dreams have come true whilst I was there and I wouldn’t be where I am today without them. But, many many rejections for job promotions and not feeling like I belonged or appreciated in a team caused my mental health to deteriorate. I had to leave and see what else was out there. It was the hardest decision I made but I don’t regret it one bit.
I now work for ITN (ITV News/Channel 4 News) – so I am still in broadcast journalism, it’s full time, it’s one job and I feel like I am being praised and appreciated. I feel happier and most of all, I enjoy the job. It’s more responsibility too and I learn something new everyday. It has also given me huge amounts of confidence.
But at the beginning, I was still in the mindset that I need another job. This job was full time but I needed something else. I had an interview at Sky News as a Text Producer (driving on screen texts and graphics) and I got offered the job! I accepted the offer (it was freelance). But, as I started training at Sky, I realised that it was too much. I was feeling the pressure. Two demanding, equally exciting jobs in journalism. As much as I always had an ambition to work at Sky News, I turned down the offer because I am not superhuman and I cannot do it all and saying no was okay and did not mean I was a failure. I realised that I need to focus on one thing for now, on one job. I need to be and feel normal for once.
All these years, I listened to the voice of anorexia that told me I need to do it all at once otherwise I’d be a failure, but that is not true. Self care played a part in this realisation. Taking breaks was like a reward to myself after doing something well. I would feel guilty if I ever rested. This is what living with a cruel illness like anorexia can do to your mindset. It’s twisted and full of self destruction.
I admit, I still find it difficult to take breaks but it’s getting better. People/colleagues around me giving me a nudge to take a break helps so much too. I didn’t realise how reassuring that feels. Again, this isn’t good but having someone tell me to take a break is like having permission to do so. It shouldn’t be like that and I am working on it.
Sometimes, saying no to all the things you want to do means saying yes to offering the best you can, to relax and enjoy more of your journey, your path. Because, in the end, that’s what it’s all about. It’s okay to not do it all.
Employers need to give those who suffer from mental illnesses a chance. I get angry because as someone who struggles with mental illness, I find that in the workplace, in job interviews, I am seen as someone who is not up to the job because I am and have been ill. People at work know. They’ve seen my articles. They’ve read my blog. They know I’ve been in hospital.
But just because I struggle, don’t I deserve a chance to get ahead? Crippling anxiety can ruin job interviews for me because of extreme nerves and intrusive thoughts. The fact that I get interviews means they see something in me. I admit, I am so much better at writing than talking.
Maybe my anxiety, my mind blank, has ruined the interview. Maybe someone else showed that they’re so much more confident and assertive in the interview. They showed that they’re the “stronger” candidate? I’m not those things in interviews but I know I am those things in the job itself.
Why not give me a chance? Why not give someone who has struggled so much, has fought so many demons, has persevered through rejections after rejections in the workplace, why not give them a chance? Why not take a risk on them? Why not make them see that they’re not worthless? Why not make them see that they are valued? Why not make them see that they are good enough despite their illness? Because right now, I feel undervalued. I feel useless. I feel like I’m not good enough to take on a more higher role. I feel worthless. It’s driving me to hate myself more and more.
I’m not just talking about me. I want this discrimination towards people with mental health at work to end. We can do the job, we may need a bit of help, we may require a bit of time, but we can do the job. This needs to change.
I went to an International Women’s Day event at work today about careers and getting ahead in the workplace as a woman. The speaker said something about a ‘sponsor’ at work. I didn’t know that even existed. A sponsor is someone senior in the workplace who knows your struggles but also knows your strengths and achievements and will go out of his/her way to persuade someone to hire you and take a chance on you. That person is someone who sees potential in you but gives others a push to take a risk on you.
I wish I had a sponsor at work who would do that for me. I would love for someone to champion me. I am not my illness. I am not my anxiety. Dealing with various mental illnesses in general is tough let alone having to worry about it holding you back in the workplace.
I want to be given a chance. I want to be challenged. I want to show them that I can do the job, on the job.
I’ve been pondering about whether I should do this blog post. I just feel quite sad because 2017 has ended and I feel like I haven’t really achieved what I wanted the most, which is happiness. I wanted to be content with my life. I wanted more friends and actually feel like I belong in this crazy world.
But then I realised that happiness isn’t a destination. You don’t “reach” happiness. You choose to be happy. I’ve always had this idea of what happiness is. To me, it meant having everything together, having that special someone in your life and just basically being “sorted.”
That is a dangerous idea which negatively impacts my health, especially my borderline personality disorder. I immediately think if I haven’t got it all together then I must be a “failure.” Now, I often use that word when I make a mistake, get rejected or if I haven’t achieved something I wanted to achieve. I have realised that failure actually means that I am trying and learning along the way, despite the hurdles. It isn’t and shouldn’t be a bad thing. It just means you must try again because you stronger than you realise. I am stronger than I realise. That, is something to be happy about.
2017 has been a year of learning for me. It has also been a year of risks. I actually started travelling to different countries, which is a big achievement for me. It is something I should be proud of.
But, I just feel in my career and relationships, I just kept it safe. I stayed in that comfort zone, which never really got me anywhere. So, in 2018, I know I need to be that little be “extra” when it comes to my career and personal relationships. I need to go and grab things as soon as they arise and never miss a good opportunity.
Something which is big to me that may not seem big to others is being discharged from hospital and all psychiatric care that I was under for 7 years. That was a huge chapter in my life because I have been so used to being under constant mental health care for that many years that I didn’t really know who I was without it. I wasn’t discharged because I was better, I was discharged because they felt I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet.
It has been hard without having to lean on a nurse, psychiatrist, therapist, dietician etc…but I have learnt a lot about my emotions. It has also given me a chance to actually use the skills I learnt in therapy whenever I’m in a mental health crisis. I don’t know if I can keep this up though, but we’ll see.
I am thankful to have made it through 2017. This might sound weird and corny but every waking moment is a challenge for me. Having made it to 2018, I can only thank God. I have always felt like I don’t deserve to be in this world, but I am starting to believe that maybe I do.
Okay, so writing all this wasn’t so bad after all. I did achieve a few things and I was happy in some areas of my life.
I won’t make a New Year’s resolution because it takes my perfectionism to the extreme and so is bad for my health, but what I will do is hope for the best in 2018 and be a better version of myself. That is all I can do.
Happy New Year!
I believe that music can save lives. It certainly saved my life many times in the past. Whilst I was growing up, these were three songs that significantly helped me through some of the hardest times in my life (with a story behind them).
Miley Cyrus – The Climb
This song has had quite a big significance in my life. I was at school (Year 11) when it came out. It was a time where I just had enough of school and I just couldn’t wait to leave. I always had a dream my entire schooling life that I would one day escape this misery and become this successful person, to prove the bullies wrong. However, I never believed in myself back then. I thought I’ll never reach that end goal and always put myself down at every chance I got. Getting told I will never be successful didn’t help either. This song gave me some sort of hope. The lyrics really resonated with me and I actually listened to it. When I listen back to this song now, I remember all the times I felt like I won’t get very far, and then realise where I am now. It is such a great feeling.
Whenever you feel like you can’t do something or won’t ever get very far in life, do not stop trying. Don’t give up. There is no rush. You will get there one day. Keep doing everything you can to get there and one day, you’ll be living in that dream.
“I can almost see it. That dream I’m dreaming but there’s a voice inside my head saying you’ll never reach it…My faith is shaking but I got to keep trying. Got to keep my head held high…”
Hilary Duff – Fly
Again, a trip down memory lane, school days. I was a big Hilary Duff fan , who wasn’t? She was a prominent figure in the charts back then. Fly came out in 2004. So, I was 12 years old! It is no secret that I had suffered with crippling anxiety ever since primary school and all throughout secondary school. I always loved singing and dancing but always struggled with the confidence to go and perform in public. I always wanted to join a band or join my school choir but we had to audition to get in at my school. I kept putting it off because I felt scared and nervous.
This song gave me huge amount of encouragement to just do it. Nothing was stopping me but myself. So, I did it. I auditioned for some sort school gospel thing but I didn’t get into that. However, I eventually joined my school rock band. Music was my passion back then and I had no reason not to pursue what I enjoyed the most. Even now, whenever I feel like my anxiety is stopping me from doing something, I listen to this song for a bit of encouragement and it really works. Even if you bite the bullet and fail, at least you know you tried and that’s the most important thing.
“Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away. You can shine.
Forget about the reasons why you can in life and start to try…
…and when you’re down and feel alone, just want to run away. Trust yourself and don’t give up, you know you better than anyone else”
Sugababes – Ugly
One of the reasons why I was bullied at school was because I was different and also short for my age. It was easy for people to pick on me because I was small and I didn’t have the confidence to stand up for myself. Just a disclaimer, my anorexia wasn’t caused by bad body image. It wasn’t a superficial reason but being different played a part.
In school, I was basically an emo/goth/punk, whatever you want to call it. In a girls school, 97% Muslim/Asian, that was like I was from a whole different planet. I didn’t fit in or had any similar interests to anyone. I was an outsider – the odd-one-out. Back then, I was ashamed of being different. I hated the fact that I was short and I hated that no one around me liked the same things as me.
This song really helped me realise that everyone is the same but different. Individuality and being different is what makes us interesting, and we should never be ashamed of ourselves. It also helped me realise that looks can only get you so far, and people should only judge you for your personality. You can be good looking but an awful, horrible person. For me, looks is an important part of my life, but everyday, I work on myself and on my personality, trying to improve and be the best version of myself.
“There was a time when I felt like I cared. That I was shorter than everyone there. People made me feel like life was unfair….
Everybody talks bad about somebody and never realises how it affects somebody. And you bet it won’t be forgotten. Envy is the only thing it could be.”
Do you have a certain song that helped you through tough times or a certain emotion? Let me know in the comments!
I wouldn’t say I am a feminist but I do think strongly about the rights of women in the Islamic/South Asian culture. I am a young Muslim/Asian women from the UK, who appreciates her cultural roots but also has a western way of thinking. As a South Asian women living in the UK, I am expected to live the ‘traditional’ way – such as not working outside the domestic space, not studying to degree level, expected to get married as early as possible, expected to act rather ‘fragile’ ‘timid’ and hide away from men and never ever stay out late, just because I am a women.
From a young age, I always had a passion for the creative arts. But working in a field like that is ‘wrong’ for Asian/Muslim women. I realised there were not enough ethnic minorities working in the media. Why was that? Because of the culture issue. I wanted to change that. So despite all the criticism I got; that I should either get a “real job” like a doctor, lawyer or not work altogether, get married and become a housewife – well, I decided to go against that and pursue my dream and inspire others like myself to try and do the same.
I think a lot of Asian women, do feel oppressed but do not like to admit it due to fear. I can admit that I did feel oppressed at certain times of my life. I feared that if I did something rather ‘westernised’ I would get looked down on. And of course, I have been criticised but my whole point is that – going against your cultural norms does not mean you are disobeying your culture or your religion. Of course not.
Regarding education, I studied what I wanted to study and not what is expected of me due my culture, like I have seen others do because they were scared. Going through college and university was hard. Not only did I get little support for the course I chose to study, but also going through depression, social anxiety and an eating disorder and being in hospital at the same time. It was incredibly hard indeed.
Finishing my degree and getting my dream job at the BBC was the icing on the cake. It was like all the criticisms I faced was so worth it. I got a job, I am earning and the family are proud – despite their lack of support and trust whilst I was studying. Did I just prove them wrong? I think I did.
Breaking cultural norms is one of the hardest things you could ever do but I did it. People used to sneer at me when I would say ‘I want to work in the media.’ Now? Well, they are shocked that I made it and surprisingly inspired just because I am women. If I was a man, this would not be a big deal at all.
My message to all young women, especially within the Asian/Islamic culture – if you have a passion to do something in life that perhaps is ridiculed by family due to cultural norms – please do pursue that passion and prove to them that just because you are going against that aspect of your culture, does not mean you are going against the culture itself.
I fought my way through this and made it happen.
Make equality happen.
As 2014 is nearly over and a new year is upon us, I thought it would be really nice to reflect back on the things I personally learned in 2014.
If you don’t ask, you don’t get
Honestly, you cannot even imagine how many opportunities have arisen for me because of simply just opening my mouth and asking. This year, I did not wait for things to happen to me, I chased them. Of course I feared rejection, but you need rejection to happen in order for you to grow. Do not wait for things to happen, go out there and make them happen. Be proactive. You never know what is round the corner.
Everything is actually going to be alright
We all have hardships in our lives and this year has taught me that, even if you are going through a tough time, it won’t be forever. I used to be so negative and thought I will always be in those dark days forever, but it doesn’t have to be. I appreciate the little things in my life. Everything is going be alright.
Taking ‘selfies’ is not narcissistic
For years, I hated the way I looked and was ashamed to be in photos but selfies became a ‘thing’ in 2014 and I relished that. It actually taught me to be happy with the way I look. I don’t need cosmetic surgery after all. My face is fine. Why has society taught us to hate the way we look?
Just say yes
I used to be afraid of saying yes to things because I feared it. I realised that if you don’t try something, you will never know what it will be like. You might surprise yourself. Say yes to more opportunities (sensible ones of course), even if you are weary about it. Try it and if you don’t like it – you don’t have to do it again.
Happy New Year!!