Ramadan: Still in the grips of anorexia

ramadan-still-in-41Nv

Every year when Ramadan comes around, I open up about my experience with an eating disorder. It can be such a tricky time for those of us struggling with an eating disorder. For the past seven years, I’ve been strictly told not to fast by medical professionals who were treating me for my eating disorder in hospital. In the past, I had to be monitored extra closely in case my weight dramatically dropped due to fasting secretly.

This year is different. This is the first year that I am not in treatment for my anorexia in seven years, so I feel anxious because now I have a choice. I hate having a choice because I’m more likely to choose the unhealthy one. I’m not being watched anymore and I’m not being threatened with inpatient if I lose weight, so this is the perfect opportunity. I am in no way recovered. In fact, I’d say the thoughts have been creeping back in, especially recently.

A year into my recovery without treatment has been tough. Every day is still hard, and there have been both massive relapses AND recovery wins in the past 12 months and I truly believe this is how it will be for the rest of my life. I don’t think I will ever be fully recovered.

Ramadan brings out a lot of negative emotions and triggers for me. But this year, having a choice to fast or not to fast and still seeing Ramadan as a chance to lose weight and to become sicker is not helping and confirms, yet again, that I am not in a good state of mind to fast safely. I don’t see it as a religious thing. So if I fast, I will be doing it for the wrong reasons.

Rationally, of course I know that I must not fast if I am still in that eating disordered mindset. I know that health and my recovery comes first. But anorexia is so powerful that even if I say I will not take part, I will most definitely act on behaviours because everywhere I go, there will be someone fasting, someone talking about how much they’re “starving” and restricting will be inevitable. Plus, there will be triggering food everywhere and everyone will be talking about food.

I have made the choice, however, to not take part. People close to me have been expressing their concerns about me fasting. I’d be lying if I said I don’t engage in behaviours anymore so fasting in the month of Ramadan can absolutely land me back in hospital.

I’m in a good place career-wise. I’ve got a new job that I love, but I’m worried if I’ll be able to hold it down if I go down that path again. Anorexia makes me not believe in myself. Every day now, it tells me that I don’t deserve this job, that I don’t deserve to be successful. It makes me question if I’m capable of holding down a full time job without getting sicker. It makes me anxious about disappointing my colleagues and managers. It’s been keeping me awake at night worrying about how anorexia, especially in Ramadan, might impact my mental health this year.

In the past, it was anorexia that made me become this successful. It was anorexia’s perfectionism that made me work hard (without food) graduate and get my dream job. People tell me it wasn’t anorexia, but they don’t know how strong anorexia can be. It was this illness that demanded I prove to people that I can do things. The less food I ate, the more weight I lost, the more successful I became…and it worked.

I cannot keep letting anorexia take credit for everything I’ve achieved. I cannot let it take over me anymore. People tell me that I can do things, that I am capable without this illness. Maybe they’re right?

Ramadan is a spiritual month. It’s about health and helping others and about being kind to oneself. I cannot fast because I am sick, but what I CAN do is help others and take care of myself. I can be thankful to God that I am here in this world. I am alive and I am living.

Ramadan shouldn’t be just about controlling yourself from eating food. It should be about taking care of yourself whatever way possible and if fasting isn’t right for your mental and physical health at the moment, it’s okay not to take part.

For others like myself who cannot fast in the month of Ramadan due to an eating disorder or mental illness, why not turn it around and work on your recovery? This year, I’ve come to realise that putting your own health is more important than religion, career or opportunities. Look after yourself first. Make yourself a priority. That is what I will try to do.

This was originally posted on Beat‘s website.

Struggling With an Eating Disorder During Ramadan

Screen Shot 2016-02-28 at 20.14.32

As a Muslim suffering from an eating disorder, I understand how hard the month of Ramadan can be for others with eating disorders. For the past few years, I have been medically advised not to fast as it could trigger negative thoughts and cause the inevitable weight loss, which will be rather counterproductive because I should be gaining weight not losing it.

I want to fast. I really do. However, I am ashamed to admit that I don’t want to fast for God. I am not there yet. I still want to fast to lose weight. I want to fast because everyone else would be fasting and that makes me feel triggered. I want to fast to get back to my lowest weight again. Every meal missed would be a victory, an achievement. Ramadan is always exciting for me, because I can starve myself and get away with it.

These thoughts are dangerous and automatically confirms that I am still not ready to start fasting. It would be wrong to fast with these disordered thoughts. For the past few years and even now, my eating disorder has been so strong and it is leaving me with an ultimatum, a dilemma – God or anorexia? As I am still in eating disorder treatment, I have been again been advised not to fast by my treatment team and to make sure I don’t fast, I have my family to watch over me.

In Islam, the sick are exempt from fasting during Ramadan because of being mentally or physically unwell and instead charity should be given in replacement.

But even though Ramadan is about not eating for a period of time, it is ironically still all about food, which is another reason this month is difficult for eating disorder sufferers. Food seems to be everywhere. Iftar preparations fills the whole day and everyone talks about what they are going to eat for Iftar, how hungry they are and invite you out for an Iftari meal. There is really nowhere to hide. Ramadan is still all about food, food and more food.

I should stick to my meal plan during this time and I will try my best to not let anorexia get hold of me and drag me back to the misery of the long endless starvation. I should put myself first and continue to fight this disorder and I urge other sufferers in my position to do the same. I am not doing this for anyone else. I am doing this for myself. Maybe one day, I will be healthy and in the right mind-set to fast in Ramadan and not only that, but actually fast for the right reasons.

This post was published in The Huffington Post.