Eating disorders are a very complicated illness and I believe you cannot fully understand how it is like if you’ve never had one yourself. That’s why there is so much left to do professionally when treating eating disorders.
Anorexia lives inside my head every single day of my life. It wakes up with me, throws abuse at me throughout the day, controls my every thought, every move, every decision. On the rare occasion (actually quite a few regular occasions recently) I challenge it and do the opposite of it. Anorexia is my best friend and my worst enemy.
I believe the NHS has failed me when it comes to my eating disorder but I could look at it a different way. I probably have failed the NHS myself by not complying. I admit, every time I was offered treatment; I didn’t give it my all. I didn’t really want to get better. I always feel like treatment doesn’t focus on a ‘reason’ to get better. Many treatment centres focuses on gaining weight but what is given less time on is getting mentally better. My experience with the NHS has made me believe that eating disorders is only a weight disorder and can only be ‘cured’ by gaining weight.
Years of treatment, my weight has been the main focus, constantly monitored and that has really made me even more conscious about my body and how much I weigh. I scrutinise everything. I can’t even wear thick layers when the weather is cold outside because I have a fear of ‘looking’ bigger than I am, so I resort to wearing less clothes in order for me to look small and thin in public. Every single food I eat, I feel the guilt. I then have to make sure I exercise to burn the right amount of calories off. Maybe I’ve eaten something “extra” that wasn’t planned? That’s two more hours in the gym tomorrow.
What I am trying to say is, I’ve had years of eating disorder treatment, in and out of hospital, but I cannot seem to lose that focus off my weight. It’s always at the forefront. I worry. I panic. I cannot lose that control. But, I am somehow surviving. Maybe eating disorder recovery is worth it? Maybe I am worth the fight? Maybe that’s what I should keep telling myself? Maybe I’ll eventually believe it?
I believe others can stop getting to this stage later in their life if the waiting time for treatment is short and making sure the main focus of the treatment is on the emotional side. Once the mind is sorted (or at least in the process of being sorted) then the rest will follow.
The eating disorder charity Beat say: “On average, 149 weeks pass before those experiencing eating disorder symptoms seek help. That’s almost three years, 37 months or 1,043 days. We know the sooner someone gets the treatment they need, the more likely they are to make a full and fast recovery.”
#WhyWait? Seek help now.
Useful websites and helplines:
Beat, call 0845 634 7650 or email firstname.lastname@example.org
Samaritans, open 24 hours a day, on 08457 90 90 90
Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393