One of the main Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) behaviour I struggle with the most is intrusive thoughts and impulsive acts. I have worked on it in therapy but it is still a major issue I currently face when it comes to relationships and how I relate to others.
My impulsive thought and behaviour is triggered by criticism – by that I mean the tone of voice (someone being rude to me/shouting at me), rejection and being ignored in one way or another.
When I am triggered, I automatically end up in a crisis. It doesn’t matter where I am, I’d either start crying, get angry, hurt myself or just freeze and not move for hours. Depending on who the person at the receiving end is, I could also blurt out stuff I don’t necessarily mean.
“I hate you”
“I am fat”
“I am disgusting”
“Everybody hates me”
“I should die”
“Why can’t I just be dead?”
“I am never eating again”
“I hate myself”
These actions is driven by anger. If someone is critical towards me, I feel attacked and feel like they don’t care about me. Saying and doing impulsive actions is a way for me to tell the person that they’ve hurt me. As I was being bullied at school, I bottled up my emotions and now it all seems to be coming out in impulsive and destructive ways. I feel emotions too strongly, can’t control it and lash out.
“Control” is another big word in situations like this. I’ve realised that, I lash out because I feel “out of control”. But what is it that I am losing control over? I don’t know. But there is something there, deep down.
After I do and say those things, I am left feeling deflated. Having not spoken for hours, my voice hardly comes out. It is also embarrassing. Acting out and then suddenly acting normal again? That is hard to do. It takes me a while to return back to my normal self.
In therapy, I learnt how to handle situations like this. Keeping a thought record and using the DBT skill STOPP! is really helpful.
Say it to yourself, in your head, as soon as you notice your mind and/or your body is reacting to a trigger. Taking a step back helps to put in the space between the stimulus (the trigger, whatever we are reacting to) and our response. The earlier you use STOPP, the easier and more effective it will be.
Take a Breath
Breathing deeper and slower will calm down and reduce the physical reaction of emotion/adrenaline. Focusing on our breathing means we are not so focused on the thoughts and feelings of the distress, so that our minds can start to clear and we can think more logically and rationally.
We can notice the thoughts going through our mind, we can also notice what we feel in our body, and we can notice the urge to react in an impulsive way. We can notice the vicious cycle of anxiety, sadness or anger (etc). Noticing helps us to defuse from those thoughts and feelings and therefore reduce their power and control. Are you feeling hot? Sweaty? What is your hands doing? Are you feeling tearful? Just notice.
Put things into Perspective
Challenge your thoughts before you act. Thinking differently. When we step back emotionally from a situation, and start to see the bigger picture, it reduces those distressing beliefs. We can do this by asking ourselves questions. Is it worth it? How would I feel after acting on the thought?
Practise what works
Rather than reacting impulsively with unhelpful consequences, we can CHOOSE a more helpful and positive response. I like to walk away, get out of the situation, because staying will not calm me down. Getting away and doing something else can make me calm down.